Blonde Jokes!

[KimR.]

No offense to anyone's hair color, but there are some very funny blonde jokes out there. Post yours here for a laugh!facesfaces

[KimR.]

Q: What do you call an eternity?
A: Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.

Q: What do SMART Blondes and UFOs have in common?
A: You always hear about them but never see them.

Q: Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms?
A: They think their picture is being taken.

[KimR.]

A blonde went to buy a Pizza and after ordering, the assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.

"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"

[GreenEyedLadyDesigns]

Oh, I've missed this SOOO much! Thanks for starting it up again, Kim!

How about:

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on her door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs, I can splash it in my eyes."

[KimR.]

Vicki. That is HILaRIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!

[sandy]

Very funny ladies! Good thing I'm not blonde!;)

[GreenEyedLadyDesigns]

How about this one ....

A guy decides to bring his new blonde girlfriend to a football game. After the game is over, he asks her if she liked the game.

She replies: "Oh it was great, I loved watching those men in tight clothes, but there is one thing I don't understand."

"What did you not understand ?"

And the blonde says: "Well, at the begginning of the game, both teams flipped a quarter to see who would kick off first. Then the rest of the game everybody was yelling get the quarter back, get the quarter back, get the quarter back. But gosh it's just a quarter!"

[MsKaty]

I can do this, I used to be blonde!!

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?"
"That's a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."
After pondering his answer, she asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"

[KimR.]

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all
these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid,
so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are
smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is
going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets
down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and
smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living
room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at
the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks
what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him
that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by
painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket
over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the
directions on the paint can and they said....
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

[GreenEyedLadyDesigns]

Too funny, Kim and Kay!

Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
A: Frosted Flakes.


Q: What do you call a blonde holding a brief case, up a tree?
A: The Branch Manager.


Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proof-reading.


Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

[Miss Pepper]

Love all this.. :)

[Andrea]

Made my day Ladies!!!!! Will have to add some later... On my way out the door!:(:(

[Traci]

OK....I used to be a blonde, too....

A blonde's boyfriend gets a panic stricken call from his girl one evening. She has a puzzle she just cannot put together. She has been trying since breakfast to do it and hasn't made any headway.

Says he...it's easy, just look at the picture on the box and that is what the puzzle is.

Says she, I can't...there are no pictures on the pieces.

Says he....put the cornflakes back in the box and go back to bed!

[Tracy]

HAHAHA OK T!! That was funny, they all were funny!!!!! Thanks for the smiles!

[athena]

A blonde was speeding on the highway when a police car pulled her over.

The policeman walks up to the blonde and says "Excuse m'am, could I please see your driving license and registration."

The blonde looks at the policeman angrily and says "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

[Mariah]

Here's one...

Question: How can you tell a blonde used the computer?
Answer: There's white-out on the screen.

[KimR.]

Two blondes went to the pound where each adopted a puppy. The joy of their new best friend was quickly overshadowed when they got home and the first blonde said, "I think we're in trouble, how are we going to tell them apart?"

This lead to several hours of concentration until finally, the second blonde said, "I've got an idea. We'll tie a red bow around my puppy and a blue bow around yours."

The next day the first blonde comes running up to the second when she got home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose. They've pulled the ribbons off while they were playing."

"OK, we need to find a better way to tell them apart," says the second blonde. After several more hours of concentration, they came up with the bright idea of getting different colored collars.

Again, the next day, the first blonde comes running up to the second as soon as she gets home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose. They've pulled their collars off while they were playing."

"There's got to be some way to tell them apart," says the second blonde.

After several more hours of concentration, the first blonde finally comes up with another idea, "I know! Why don't you take the black one and I'll take the white one!"

[Mariah]

That's too funny haha!

[Magnolia57]

LOL! These are all too funny.

[Magnolia57]

This blonde cop stops a blonde driver and asks for identification.
The blonde driver looks all around in her purse and can’t find her license. “I must have left it at home, officer.”
“Well, do you have any kind of identification on you?” asks the cop.
The blonde takes out a pocket mirror and says, “I do have this picture of me.”
“Let me see it,” says the cop. She holds up the mirror and looks in it. Then she says, “Sorry. If I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn’t have stopped you.”

[KimR.]

A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette.

When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.

After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought,

"Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"
She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,
"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"
The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.

The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."

The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.

Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

[GreenEyedLadyDesigns]

Such fun!! Here's a quickie:

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

[Laura]

These are a riot! Thanks for the laughs this morning.:rofl2:

[Diane]

A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette.

When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.

After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought,

"Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"
She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,
"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"
The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.

The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."

The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.

Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

Such fun!! Here's a quickie:

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

:rofl2::rofl2::rofl2::rofl2:

Love 'em all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[KimR.]

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
A: Shine a torch in her ears.

[GreenEyedLadyDesigns]

As a blonde crawls out of her wrecked car, the local sheriff asks her what happened.


The blonde began, "It was the strangest thing! I looked up and saw a tree, so I swerved to the right. Then I saw another tree, so I swerved to left. Then there was another tree, and another and another ..."


The sheriff thought for a minute and then said, "Mam ... I don't know how to tell you this, but the only thing even resembling a tree on this road for thirty miles is your air freshener."

[KimR.]

As a blonde crawls out of her wrecked car, the local sheriff asks her what happened.


The blonde began, "It was the strangest thing! I looked up and saw a tree, so I swerved to the right. Then I saw another tree, so I swerved to left. Then there was another tree, and another and another ..."


The sheriff thought for a minute and then said, "Mam ... I don't know how to tell you this, but the only thing even resembling a tree on this road for thirty miles is your air freshener."

Good one, Vicki! :rofl2:

[KimR.]

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"

She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

[Diane]

Here's a blonde "photo joke!"

http://i643.photobucket.com/albums/uu151/beachy-keen/animalpic10.jpg

[Ellen]

oh so cute :) the odd one out

funny enough we have 3 chocolate labradors in the family and one blond one.. as soon as they arrive here for their holidays the blonde one always jumps into a mudpile and returns black/brown as if he knows he's the odd one out:)

[KimR.]

Here's a blonde "photo joke!"

http://i643.photobucket.com/albums/uu151/beachy-keen/animalpic10.jpg

Too cute, Diane!


oh so cute :) the odd one out

funny enough we have 3 chocolate labradors in the family and one blond one.. as soon as they arrive here for their holidays the blonde one always jumps into a mudpile and returns black/brown as if he knows he's the odd one out:)

That is funny, Ellen!

[Diane]

A NEW blonde joke (at least one I haven't seen before)!!


Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said,
"So y'all want to be cops, huh?" The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.

"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!" The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture!
It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or Outstanding about this man?" "Yes! He only has one ear!" The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying,
"All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?" The blonde said,
"I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.

" The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

[KimR.]

That's a GREAT one, Diane!!!:rofl2:

[Diane]

Glad you liked it Kim! Someone finally sent me one I hadn't seen before - LOL!!

[KimR.]

Here's one I got in an email today:D

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramen to"


When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

[KimR.]

Last year the blonde replaced all the windows in her house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, she got a call from the contractor who installed them.
He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and she still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid, she thought.
So, she told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told her last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo? It's been a year! she told him. There was only silence at the other end of
the line, so she finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot!!!

[Diane]

ROFL, Kim!! :rofl2:

[Ellen]

brilliant Kim , this has me shaking with laughter :rofl2:

[GreenEyedLadyDesigns]

OMG!! Too funny!!

[Diane]

Leaving Work Early

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.

Each day, they watched the boss leave work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.

After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early...she did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.

Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss!

Gently she closed the door and crept out of the house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.





“No way!” the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

[KimR.]

Good one,Diane!

[Karen]

Great Diane.

Karen

[Grace]

The additional Blonde Jokes are great and funny!

[Ellen]

lucky husband to have a "blond "wife:)

[KimR.]

A Blonde's Year in Review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....
Box said ' 2-4 years!'

April
Trapped on escalator for hours ...
Power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....
8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......
Couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....
Learned later that the other swimmers cheated- they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
Darn car filled up with water because convertible top was open.

September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....They are so hard to peel.

November
Baked Thanksgiving turkey for 4 1/2 days ...
Instructions said bake 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911.
'Duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!

[KimR.]

And another one…


A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut andStormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'

To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'
(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)



'My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'

[Grace]

Kim, the new Blonde Jokes are very funny! :rofl2:

[Diane]

ROFL, Kim!!!! :rofl2:

[Ellen]

hilarious :D

I 'm visualising that breast stroke :)

[KimR.]

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

I think he'd better run FAST!!

[Grace]

Kim, LOL - too funny! :rofl2:

[Karen]

Thanks Kim, I needed a good laugh. *#% computers or maybe it is the mobile net is getting to much use on a Saturday morning!! Whatever it is, it is driving me mad!!

Karen

[Diane]

Another good one, Kim!!!:rofl2:

[Ellen]

:D:):rofl2: run baby run , although the blonds probably wouldn't get that answer for half an hour .

brilliant

[Catherine]

:rofl2: These are so funny - I've been here for ages reading them all! :rofl2:

[Karen]

The Grandmother of all Blonde Jokes

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said . . .
"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."



Karen

[GreenEyedLadyDesigns]

During a recent password audit by Microsoft & Google, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramen to"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

http://i946.photobucket.com/albums/ad308/veejayr_bucket/image001.gif

[KimR.]

The Grandmother of all Blonde Jokes

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said . . .
"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."



Karen



Good one, Karen, I missed this when you posted!

[KimR.]

During a recent password audit by Microsoft & Google, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramen to"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

http://i946.photobucket.com/albums/ad308/veejayr_bucket/image001.gif

Pretty funny, V, especially the pic!!

[Grace]

Enjoyed the additional blonde jokes by Karen and Vicki. :D

[Catherine]

LOL!! I shouldn't laugh at these, my eldest daughter is blonde, but definitely not dumb and she gets mad at blonde jokes! But they are funny! :D